Is This a Relationship Builder or Destroyer? (Part 2 on Marriage)

Part II

I just spent the last twenty minutes cleaning my kitchen and simultaneously critiquing every little thing my husband didn’t do according to my expectations. I started making a list in my head of what I should politely remind him to do the next time he prepares dinner. One of the items was so pertinent in my mind that I actually stopped cleaning the kitchen and walked right up to him while he was bathing the kids and told him what he should do the next time. Before I could even get the full “rule for next time” out he just hung his head down and said, “It’s always something.” Being the smart wife that I am, I decided I should take it easy on him “this time” and not even finish explaining my kitchen rules. As I was walking back to the kitchen I could hear him asking, “Wait, are you peeing in the tub? Bellamy did you just pee in the tub? Aww man!”

Photo Credit: haBE Photography

At that moment I wanted to laugh so hard, his reaction was so genuine and endearing. Then came my ah-ha moment. I thought of how an hour earlier I told him I was just too tired to cook dinner tonight, so he cooked instead without any hesitation. Yet here I was reeling because he didn’t wipe down the stove and because paper towels are now stuck to my favorite tupperware dish. I also thought of how after he finished eating, he immediately gave the kids a bath and as I type, he is putting our oldest to bed. In the grand scheme of things, I wondered, was it really that big of a deal to point out that paper towels were now stuck to the dish? Or did I really have to say “those words” in my head because he didn’t wipe the stove down?

For the longest time, I always thought of my “gentle correcting” as helping my husband out. I mean, surely he must not know he’s supposed to do these things, so as his wife, I must show him the way, right? Eh, maybe not, Erika, maybe not.

Point #1: Are You a Helper?

Thinking back on a Bible study I completed this summer, an inductive study (Precept Bible Study) on Genesis Chapters 1 & 2, I specifically thought of  Genesis 2:18. The verse states:  The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

In the simplest of terms, I was not my husband’s helper this evening. Not in the sense that I didn’t prepare dinner or those things. I wasn’t his helper in the sense that pointing out all the things he didn’t do to my satisfaction wasn’t really helping him or us. I’ve often heard my dad ask this question, “Is this a relationship builder or destroyer?”

Surely, pointing out a couple of missed things in the kitchen won’t destroy my relationship tonight, but gone unchecked, over time, well…

So ask yourself this, are you a helper? What little things are you making into big things because it’s not how YOU would do it? Pray over this area in your married life, that you would be a helper to your spouse. As a matter of fact, write it down and pray over it and watch God work over this area in your life.

Point #2: What is Love?

What is Love? Photo Credit: haBE Photography

Then God laid on my heart I Corinthians 13:4-7:  4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Are you patient with your spouse? Are you keeping a record of their wrongs?

If I were to do a checklist and answer truthfully, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be able to check off some of the items. Remember how I told you in part I that as I’m sharing, I’m learning too?

One of the many great things about God is that He truly and genuinely loves us. He loves us so much that gives us ah-ha moments in the midst of crazy things, like my two year old peeing in her bath water. Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

If Everything Is Going Great in Your Marriage, You Might Want to Read This (Part 1 on Marriage)

Photo Cred: CreativeSoul Photography

For the past couple of weeks, I have felt as though God was telling me I need to write about marriage. However, I had a hard time with it. I called my dad and said, “I feel like I’m being led to write about marriage but I’ve only been married six years. What if people laugh at me for thinking I may know a thing or two?” To this my dad responded, “Erika, there are people trying to make it to just one year of marriage and there are people who have been married longer than you who don’t even know the person they’re married to. You never know who needs to hear the message God has laid on you.”

I feel as if it has been laid on my heart to write about marriage. So, I am going to do just that in a three-part series.

Part I

To this day, I vividly remember a particular premarital counseling session with our wedding officiant, Pastor James Abraham. Berry and I  arrived at Borders Bookstore (back when they existed) and hurried to the table he was holding for us. “Hey how are the two of you,” he asked. “Great! Everything is going really well,” I eagerly exclaimed. “No complaints for me,” Berry said with a smile. “Okay, well good, let’s get started,” stated Pastor Abraham and from there we had our normal hour-long session discussing whatever it is couples discuss before getting hitched.  I remember our session ending with Pastor Abraham closing us out with prayer and all of us getting up from the table to leave. However, Pastor Abraham stopped us and told me something that I have never forgotten.

“Hey, uh, I want to share something with the two of you,” Pastor Abraham began, “You know, I asked the two of you when you first got here, how you were doing. Both of you seemed really excited and had the biggest smiles on your faces. Even though that’s really great, I would like to advise you on something. I would highly suggest that if you aren’t doing so already, the two of you need to make sure that you start praying for your union. You see, the enemy is not for marriage and he is not for the family. If things are going great, you best believe he is scheming for a way to bring discord between the two of you. So, pray. Pray as individuals and pray together, but always remember to pray for your marriage even in good times. Last but not least, if the two of you should argue, one of you needs to stop, grab the others hand and immediately begin to pray. It will be hard to do, especially when you’re arguing, but humble yourselves and pray. That will make a difference in your relationship.”

Best. Advice. Ever.

Soon after, Berry and I got into an argument. Now let me tell you, I can not remember what we were arguing about that day and I can’t remember who initiated the prayer, but one of us remembered Pastor Abraham’s advice, and we prayed. The prayer changed everything, even to the point I can’t remember that bad in the argument, only the good in the prayer. This brings me to the two main ideas I would like to leave you with.

Photo Cred: CreativeSoul Photography

Point #1- When Everything is Going Great, Pray

Paul tells the church in 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NKJV to “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” This same message applies today, right here and right now. Be happy and thankful for the current state of your marriage and remember to continuously pray, for God desires us to be close to Him not only in bad times, but in the good too.

Point #2- Pray and Let It Go

Did you notice how I don’t remember why we were arguing or who initiated prayer in the middle of the argument? I did, which led me to this scripture, “You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea” Micah 7:19 NIV.  The Hebrew definition for compassion in this scripture means to love or love deeply. Does this not align itself with God’s greatest commandment (Matthew 22:36-40)? Once we went to the Lord in prayer in the midst of a disagreement, it is as though the same compassion He gives us, we gave each other. Instead of staying angry with one another, we remembered to show compassion, to love one another. Instead of holding on to the anger and using it as fire in other arguments, we let it go and tossed it into the sea of forgetfulness.

Photo Cred: CreativeSoul Photography

Now even though we try our best to do so on a regular basis, Berry and I don’t always remember to do this. So, as I am sharing this with you, it is also a reminder to myself.  My prayer is that this little bit of advice helps, even if it is only one couple. God’s blessings to you and yours.

Why It’s Okay to LAUGH During Your Child’s Public Meltdown

Photo Cred: CreativeSoul Photography

I remember Bellamy’s first (notice I said first) real act of public defiance. We were going to story time at the local public library and I decided to try out the session for two year olds since Bellamy was a couple of days shy of being two. There were tables set up with crayons and coloring paper for the kids to use after story time was officially over. However, once Bellamy caught wind of those crayons, she would not be deterred. As much as I tried to get her to sit down with the other kids and pay attention, she kept getting up and running. Of course I got the “looks” which can be summed up as Look Number 1 and Look Number 2.

Look Number 1 comes from the parent that gives you a half-hearted smile of reassurance while secretly praising the heavens it’s not their child behaving this way because they’ve been there before.

Look Number 2 is the “you’re ruining my child’s experience” scowl that comes from the parent who has a darling little angel and has yet to experience such behavior.  Uh, I’ll just leave that one where it’s at…

Bellamy is what one would call “high-spirited”(as my friend Ashley tells me) and has all the positive characteristics of a natural born leader all bottled up in her little two year old body. One day, her determination and confidence is going to lead to great things but right now, this momma gal named Erika is the one in control and the little trailblazer named Bellamy will have to wait her turn.

While public defiance and meltdowns are in no way funny and need to be corrected, I often find myself laughing at Bellamy after the embarrassment has worn off. I will definitely have some stories to share with Bellamy when she gets older. So, I thought I’d share this with those mommies and daddies out there who may experience these public acts of defiance. All I want you to do is remember to LAUGH.

Learn– Learning how to teach your child to behave in public and giving them the opportunity to use those skills is a process. It takes multiple opportunities of trial and error for kids to learn to feed themselves, tie their own shoelaces, and use the potty. The same goes for public outings, trial and error.

Assert– Assert yourself as the person in charge. Do not yell at your child as this can lead to further embarrassment and an even bigger reaction by the child. Instead, speak clearly and tell them exactly what it is that you want them to do. Do not patronize your child by asking them to follow your instruction(s). Assert yourself and guide them to the behavior you are expecting.

Understand– Understand what things could’ve led up to your child’s behavior. On a recent trip to Chic-fil-A, I quickly understood, albeit after the fact, that I should definitely sit down in an area where the playground is not visible if I want Bellamy to eat first (without a fight at least) before playing. Did they need a nap or even overnap (is that a word)? Are they hungry? You get the picture.

Grace– Grace is offered to us freely by God, we didn’t earn it. So why not extend that grace to your child, love them in spite of and even extend that grace to the person who gave you Look Number 2 (paragraph number three in case you skipped).

Hope– Hope that these little kiddos learn how to behave in public sooner than later so that we can start giving out more Look Number 1’s! I kid, I kid. Smile.

Friendships and Heartbreak

It was in third grade that I experienced my first heartbreak in terms of friendships. Yes, heartbreak. I choose that word because romantic relationships aren’t the only ones that can lead to heartbreak, sometimes friendships can too.

I remember the pain just like it was yesterday. Lonely, sad, embarrassed, and the feeling of being inadequate could describe that day. What happened? The birthday/slumber party of all parties and I was the only girl not invited. Let me go a little bit deeper. One of my best friends had a birthday/slumber party and I was the only girl out of our group of friends who did not get an invitation. Let me take it one step further, the week before the birthday party, I stayed the night at her house and the week after I stayed the weekend at her house. I bet you’re probably confused right now. Don’t worry, I was too. I’ll give you a moment to read over the paragraph again.

Yes, you read it correctly.

I remember the day the invitations went out and I didn’t receive mine. I thought it was odd but I wasn’t worried about it. I mean, we’re talking about one of my best friends here, right? It really didn’t occur to me until the day of the party that I really wasn’t invited. I remember my friend’s mom coming to have lunch with her at school for her birthday on the day of the party. All the girls were talking about how they were looking forward to the birthday party. Apparently, my friend’s parents had rented a van to transport the party guests around town to various places before settling in for a night of fun.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I remember asking my friend if I was invited but just hadn’t received an invitation. “No, I’m sorry, Erika. My parents said I couldn’t invite you.” My little world was crushed, literally. I remember being at home looking at the TGIF line up (Family Matters, Full House, etc.) and not being able to focus on the shows because I was so hurt. I later found out why I wasn’t invited but that is not the focus of this story.

So, why am I writing about this so many years later?

Well, because sometimes I still feel like the third grade girl not invited to “the party”, especially within the past year. Life is different, or at least it has been for me since becoming a SAHM. Both of my best friends live in either a different state or a different city. I find myself mingling in different circles now and I haven’t quite found my way. I have found myself working to establish and create friendships with other women and coming to the realization that I was the only one putting forth effort. If I didn’t call or text, they didn’t call or text and so on. Sure, if I invited them to meet up or hang out, they’d come but never vise versa. Is it weird to say, that I wanted to be wanted, as a friend? I hope not because that’s how I feel, sometimes.

I was so bothered by this, that I sent one of my best friends, Julia, a text message and asked her to be completely honest me. My exact text message went as follows:

Is there something about my personality that turns people off? Too opinionated? Talk too much? Etc.? I feel as though I’m everyone’s “step” friend. Like, I’m the friend filler until someone else comes along. It is really getting to me this week.

I braced myself for the harsh reality I just knew she was going to reply with.  But instead of the gut wrenching moment of constructive criticism I anticipated, she responded with, “I think you’re in a season where you’re coming across a lot of different people who aren’t meant to last a lifetime. You don’t need quantity, you need quality. ”

Then, I read the following verse: A man who has friends must himself be friendly, But there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 (NKJV) I read this verse over and over, even reading commentary to make sure I was interpreting it correctly.

The commentary that stuck out to me was Gill’s Exposition of the Bible (Study Light) . The message I received from it is that true friendship is a two-way street and if one is going out of their way to maintain friendships, well, it’s not really a friendship. Duh, right? The other part of this is that if one is receiving the benefits of friendship from another but is not reciprocating it, well that’s wrong, too. For example, you become friends with someone because they work for Delta and can get you a buddy pass (just making something up real quick but you get my drift).

The most awesome part of this scripture spoke to my soul in two ways. It reminded me that I do have “a friend who sticks closer than a brother”,  Jesus Christ. He has always been there for me and literally gave His life for me. Who can be a better friend out there than He? The other part is that as I look over this season in my life, I see how God has taken my lapse in establishing new friendships and turned it into an abundance of time spent building and strengthening my relationship with my Savior. My relationship with Christ has never been stronger than what it is now.

So, thank you God for the friendships that last a lifetime and even for those that last a little while, I know there is a reason for everything. And thank you Father for the friendships that lead to heartbreak. For it is through the heartbreak one can be reminded of the one who can mend broken hearts, the one who is always a true friend and so much more.